Helloo World!

Keying into the ‘Me’ time is so tough after the long sojourn. I really did think that it would be so easy to hop back and pick up things from where I have left. A long pause of 4 years feels like a life time and it is not easy to pretend that nothing has changed, especially when I know that the dreamy idealist has learned to shield herself with a cloak of realism..

What makes me drag myself to the writing desk today? A small acknowledgement from the void that made me long for those deep pauses of reflective contemplations. Sometimes its just a little push that is needed at the right time. So thank you pal for that small token and yes I hear you. It is no fun to lock myself out from that little shelter that I so ardently crafted for being my muse.

Rediscovering things that are close to heart should be positively charging, isn’t it? I still cant shake that sense of clumsy premonition that is playing my companion with every key stroke. I hope it passes away soon to lead me into that familiar comfort zone as I make terms with myself. Until then, here is a big  ‘hello world’ into the void. Thank you for the tireless encouragement and that humbling patience with which you embrace me in my every waking moment.

Self-Assurance

I never knew this simple phrase would jolt me back into this little world of mine.. Often what you take for granted is the one that requires utmost focus. Feels as if the music played on when I was napping.. Life crawled in slow finesse, whilst I slept unaware. Until.. until someone shook me up and asked my name.

Now what’s in a name? What’s in a name except for a simple attempt to frame an identity. Except for spelling that unique purpose it stands for? Hmm.. Here I am, wondering, what does my name stand for?

I have always taken pride in my this single strong trait of my identity. My confidence in my ability and my trust in my judgment has always been the guiding force in my life. No matter how strong the persuasiveness of life is, my spine has always been straight. What would you do when the whole world stands against you and screams against your conscience and best judgment? Whose side would you take? Would you hold on and stand for what you deem right, or would you give up yourself for the sake of acceptance? Sounds like a tough choice, isn’t it? Somehow I have always believed that One should never leave the side of oneself for the sake of anything, as long as what s/he believes it to be  true. Does this echo with you? Do tell me..

In words better described by Gall-up, which I often look upto..

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Self-Assurance is similar to self-confidence. In the deepest part of you, you have faith in your strengths. You know that you are able — able to take risks, able to meet new challenges, able to stake claims, and, most important, able to deliver. But Self-Assurance is more than just self-confidence. Blessed with the theme of Self-Assurance, you have confidence not only in your abilities but in your judgment. When you look at the world, you know that your perspective is unique and distinct. And because no one sees exactly what you see, you know that no one can make your decisions for you. No one can tell you what to think. They can guide. They can suggest. But you alone have the authority to form conclusions, make decisions, and act. This authority, this final accountability for the living of your life, does not intimidate you. On the contrary, it feels natural to you. No matter what the situation, you seem to know what the right decision is. This theme lends you an aura of certainty. Unlike many, you are not easily swayed by someone else’s arguments, no matter how persuasive they may be. This Self-Assurance may be quiet or loud, depending on your other themes, but it is solid. It is strong. Like the keel of a ship, it withstands many different pressures and keeps you on your course.

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Counting Life By Moments..

People don’t last forever, sometimes neither relationships do. Yet, its just memories and moments that make us truly alive are those that last forever, or atleast till we do.

Why?

I guess we all know the answer at the subconscious level, yet it does take a conscious effort to acknowledge, understand and give our life and every living moment to the moment.

Can we design our destiny or rule our fate?

I doubt it very much. Yet, we do hold a control of the passing moments and have the power in our hand to transform them into magical memories for the life time. Just a small thought in this direction really showed me things in a new light and hence it became a resolution for this festival period.

Comfort Zones..

Those are big words. They are also the most often used/abused words in my dictionary. You would often catching me rolling it off with a careless regard oft to myself and often in generic conversations that go around the world.

Come think of it, there are many things that offer comfort in moments of insanity drives. It could be a pack of chocolates, a piece of soothing music, my favorite workspace, or the cozy comfort of an enjoyable book that often comes to rescue offering serene solitude and sweet freedom in the world of my own making. Yet, Cooing up long enough in those little spaces can make one forget the terrible purpose of being for it hinders the ability to dare and heed to the passion call to risk everything for something that we hold close to heart.

Sometimes I feel as if I am so away from my own self that it takes me a while to call for rescue. What so often made for lingering comfort couldn’t assert its existence anymore. Of all the paradoxical pursuits of life, have you ever experienced this urge to deny those little alcoves of comfort in search of something whose essence you haven’t grasped so far?

Midnight Musings..

I would start by telling you how special these are for me for I rarely meet midnights in eye. Probably I can count those days on fingers when I really waited for the darkness to envelop me in tranquility at the darkest of hour. One of those moments of tranquiliy where I am content with the company of me and myself. Its 2 AM right now and I feel so good to be awake to keep the company of myself. I’m suffering from a heady mix of movie overdose, weariness thats creeping into the head after watching 3 movies back to back just to drive maddening thoughts out of my system, and a strange sense of solitude. I cherish this rare experience.

I am surprised at myself Though. Why is this zeal to drive oneself to the edge, just to test the limit of my endurance?

Dreams….

Haunted by my dreams, this post is a result of midnight musings, after I soothed my frayed nerves by a short chat with my papa. These days I realized that dreams are my deepest desires which I have never acknowledged. Its like those persistant voices which never got a chance, and hence they manifest in the eerie visions of the dreamland when our resistance to logically refute is at all time low. Most of the things I dream are either about things that I heard of, or things that I want to happen or stories that I read somewhere. Those some of these often take me by surprise, they would laos make me believe that I am what I dream. But dreaming alone won’t achieve what I long for, right? May be I don’t live my dreams because I live my fears. May be, I magnify my fears with the thinking mind and lull the heart’s desire with cold reason.

My experience of dreams goes a long way back.. Most of my dreams weave those ‘what if’ sequences about the opportunities that life presents. Some of them could be about me visualizing how would it look if I try bungee jumping or about how would life be in a different career, or about how is an ordinary day in a new environment. Yet, these are what make me come to terms with my anxieties and facts of lifewhile making me comfortable with the fear from the unknown.

And there are those creative dreams either about the stories I heard, movies I partly saw or books that I read somewhere. One of those vivid childhood dreams that stayed with me, is this dream of Ramayana, that started from where the Hanuman brings the sanjeevani to the end of war. I distinctly remember this, for I stayed long in bed so that this dream finds its end. Well, there are dreams where I played wild roles, like a daredevil detective, or a super woman, but let me assure you, these are quite rare. Its been long time since I played the batwoman. 🙂 Yet, the kick of these dreams lies in the way I could manipulate those sequences, or even create them to my satisfaction.

And then there are those dreams that helped me overcome my fears. In childhood, I have always been afraid of things like loosing family members or snakes. I am not sure if I overcome any of those fears. But I remember those dreams which made me run till I made a choice to pick a stick and fight or those that portrayed loss of loved ones and taught me to appreciate their value in life.

But of all these dreams that I had, I never felt as if I am an inactive participant. I have always, (ok, I concede) most of the times, been able to direct my dream to my desired end or end it before it turns wild. May be that’s why I never had such a predominant nightmare which became a permanent memory.

Somehow I believe that dreamland is the space where we touch the threshold of our potential and visualize the realization of our deepest desires. Some stop there, reveling in the beauty of their dreams and basking in vicarious satisfaction; while some hold on and make it a reality in this material world.

I don’t think I have a theory about what I dream, but somehow writing about them did lighten my thought at this late hour. If you are reading this, tell me about your dreams. Would love to hear about the extent and expanse of your imagined universe. Even if you don’t want to talk about it in public space, it’s ok. At least acknowledge them to yourself in solitude, else you would end up being haunted by dreams, just the way I was.

P.S. Whenever I think of dreams, I couldn’t help but muse on here, for in vague sense, it gives me hope.

Mush Movie Marathon

Serendipity

Serendipity: a fortunate accident, or lucky discovery, we all believe in them in some point of time. Fate, or Destiny, sometimes it feels so right to leave life to them and be driven in the flow.

Serendipity, this movie lives up to its tagline: Destiny with a sense of humor. To cut a sweet story short, this movie is about two strangers who share a beautiful evening on a Christmas eve, decide to test the destiny by leaving clues that travel around the world. Though each have their own respective fiancé, they couldn’t get the beauty of that encounter out of their heart, and so begins a frantic search to locate each other. When they are about to give up their wild goose chase and get back to the routine life, we realize that destiny had different plans for them.

Do watch this movie to share a few laughs. I loved this obituary that Dean writes for his friend.

“Dean: Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. “Things were clearer for him,” Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call “fatum”, what we currently refer to as destiny.”

A Walk to Remember

Wonder, beauty, joy and love, guess they sum up the essence of this movie. Life, hope and the long journey ahead, all that and more find their place in this soulful movie. This movie made me revisit faith. This movieholds a beautiful example of what an ounce of faith could accomplish: Magic. Faith, such small word, yet how powerful! it forever continues to shine and touch the soul like nothing else could.

The entire movie can be summed up in this Landon’s confession: “Jamie has faith in me, she makes me wanna be different, to be better.”

Its been sometime since I saw a movie that runs like a beautiful poetry. It feels good to be alive, to feel pain, and to cry my heart out. Do watch this for some sweet time, and don’t blame me if your heart turns heavy.

The Notebook

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

And so starts this movie, and flows like a serene river of love. Watching this movie made me realize how pale its remake ‘U, Me and Hum’ was. This movie is a beautiful capture of a summer romance that lit the lives of a couple of teenage kids Allie and Noah. After being separated for years by protective parents, Allie discovers Noah on a chance encounter and finds that her feelings are alive. Ala M&B style, Allie chooses her first love Noah over her fiancé and then they lived happily ever after until death claimed them. People may claim it as a usual dramatic movie, yet for me its a remarkable film.

P.S: Do check these movies out when you care for a little dream and a little hope. Am sure they don’t disappoint you.

A Quiet Evening…

After being thoroughly drenched by the rain that caught me off guard on my way back to home, I stepped into a typical roadside restaurant called (I guess) ‘Tandoori Garden’ on BTM main road in Bangalore that offered a quick relief. I was surprised to discover a highway side Dhaba kind of ambiance amidst the city with old seventies music humming softly in the background that paled in comparison to the noisy discussions around the tables, rustic walls painted in dark red and bright green shades warming up the environment and the dinner tables set with table lamp lights that are made of straw and are suspended from ceiling. I lived just across the road, yet it took me about an year to discover the beauty of this little restaurant. May be all I needed is a new set of eyes to enjoy the environment around.

Apathy…

Ever experienced it?

A sicking sensation of nothingness. A quiet despair creeping into the numbing spirit. A hushed space suspended in vacuum where the sounds of silence throb deeper into the hollow of the heart.

Sometimes the disquietening lull of life haunts more than words can ever will.

Respect For Individual..

This time I started with the title first, and as soon as I keyed it in, it sounded darn preachy! Especially when I have the Accenture core values pamphlet in front of me that has features the title as one of the core values. 🙂 Yet, it has been a lingering thought since sometime, and I have some interesting anecdotes to share.

Now that I mentioned Accenture, let me start with my induction programme that happened some months back. We were allotted some 2 hours session for discussion around this particular core value. Incidentally, this was I think the last session of the day and all of the participants were tired. The faculty walks in. The first question he posed to the listless audience was: “how much time do you all give to me?”. Someone answered 30 minutes. He quietly agrees and announces that this is ‘respect for individual’. I couldn’t help but burst clapping in appreciation. Yes. Indeed, he closed the session within agreed time and I did carry the message home. 🙂

One of my favorite anecdotes in office humor has been about ‘biscuit’. Though we often kid about the incident in lighter note, it did generate a serious thought too. It all happened in one of those office treks, where we are buying food stuff for snacking en route. One of the teammates wanted to pick some biscuits for it and he was made fun by some folks of being kiddish for his food choice. It is very easy to get carried away in light hearted banter. Most often, humor generated is at the expense of someone, especially in groups. Finally, that poor chap didn’t pick his biscuits and that did leave that feeling of denial with us.

Yet, that incident did trigger a new dictum in the gang, which we call by name biscuit. A rule to abide by the respective individual choices instead of succumbing to group think. And it did offer me some interesting experiences too. Respecting somebody’s interest in Art and Theatre did take me to ‘Water Lilies’, ‘Natyalakshana’ or ‘Don Muttuswami’, some of which I throughly enjoyed. “What’s your biscuit?”, this question that often happens among us, whilst we are thinking about weekend plans, often sounds like music. The idea of group coming to individual and celebrating independent thoughts, instead of individual interests being drowned in group is charming. And Yes. No one is denied of biscuit these days. 🙂

Random Musings Over Weekend…

This post is a result of a desire to list out some of those haphazard thoughts that catch you in randomness in every direction on a weekend, just when you realize you have all the time in the world to be with oneself.

The Regular Weekend Laundry List

• Yesterday, I watched a telugu movie called ‘Parugu’, just for the heck of it. Its about time for me to admit how I am such a hopeless movie freak and how I enjoy catching any movie at any theatre (multiplex to local standalone) over weekends.
• Just finished reading ‘Close to the Wind’ by John Harris. I was little reluctant to pick that book at start, as I couldn’t find a single review about it online. Thankfully, its a beautifully told story and I added a review about that book to my to do list.
• Yesterday, just when my stomach is full of ‘Bobby da Dhaba’ Paratha and my eyes are really longing for a trip to dreamland, a pal of mine calls me to ask a seemingly innocuous question, “Do we really have a larger purpose in life?”. Huh! My mind really went blank. Answer, anyone please?
• After being bulldozed by a pal for about four hours, I trotted around in BTM to discover a place called HICON which offers weekend cinematic Hiphop dance classes. I have no clue what that means, but I am planning to figure it out tomorrow. See, even I am susceptible to flashes of random inspiration.
• Today, I discovered that I have an amalgamation of about 56 odd stocks in my portfolio. For a novice that I am, thats like placing eggs in to too many baskets. Hopefully, I will sort that mess by next week.

Some High Moments

• Last week, I attended my cousin’s marriage. We grew up together and its sheer pleasure to see him enter into an assisted marriage. Marriages are also time for family and relatives get-together for socializing and catching up with times. My heart took me through a flashback ride of childhood, those times of playing hide and seek, mounting walls, bicycle races, flouting rules and climbing trees for mangoes and guavas. Looking at the brazen mirth of a couple of kids jumping on and off the marriage hall, my grandpa innocently remarked, “Probably childhood is the only time when we are carefree and truly happy”. Hearing his artless remark, I could only flash a blissful grin.
• I am glad to know that the post on Tashan stopped at least a couple of folks from watching that movie. Curiously, I felt so happy to play the savior.
• I am really glad to see Amitabh Bachan blogging. I can’t help but wonder how he answers all those thousands of comments on his own, or how does he find time to blog on a daily basis amidst his busy schedule. He almost taught me Hindi over Doordarshan during my school days and I love the way he carries himself. He holds a special place in my heart and I am happy to share a piece of his thoughts. 🙂

Some Time For Confessions

• My weekend over the past three years stuck to a random pattern of predictability. It almost always includes a couple of movies, pals and books, long walks, a diary, some music and some restaurant. Not that I mind falling into a pattern!
• I often write to share with others some advice, opinion or a slice of my mind. I can’t call it a hobby anymore, for this zeal for self-expression is a part of the core me.
• These days I am worried about the acceptance that I offer to circumstances. I have become too complacent and accepting of things around me as if they are part of scenery. I have a right to feel and vent anger. And I think that justifiable and just anger shows how much one cares about any situation. May be I should try exercising my right instead of pressing that ‘Ignore’ button.
• Sometimes I confuse potential with skill. There is a world of difference between ‘I can do it’ and ‘I have done it’.
• I enjoy counseling and dispensing advice to myself and to anyone who naively lends an ear. Yet, I am incapable of taking the admirable advice that I get uninvited from me and the world.
• When I wander through college campuses, I get this overwhelming urge to get back to school and classrooms. Like children, I forget those urges once I step out of those campuses.
• My biggest weakness is my lack of self discipline. I somehow find it tough to stick to any form of schedule. Can’t say that I am working on it though!
• I am an extremely positive person. Being positive requires continuous effort and like a petulant child, it demands constant attention. When situations subject me to unexpected lows, I retreat into a shell for sometime to compose myself enough to long for those hopeful rainbows. I hate to share those moods of moroseness and negativity. Some thoughts are not worth sharing.
• Barely three years old into the corporate world, I already suffer from materialism,’What’s In It For Me’ Syndrome, To-Do lists and finally randomizing nonsense through bullet points.

Sun Signs..

It was just yesterday when the entire dinner table conversation was hogged by sun signs. 🙂 I have always been agnostic to the power of what stars have conspired over in sky, as I do believe that I hold my destiny in my arms. Yet, its always intriguing to learn what each sun sign has to say even if its just to whet my curiosity, as long as it spells a few good things of my pals which I accede to or differ with. Yes. I love Linda Goodmans and must have read those descriptions a number of times, for I loved the way she expressed the idiosyncrasies of those sun signs. I really wouldn’t care the veracity of her claims as its a fun read! Those who has read her book would know what I mean.

I guess every person’s personality would depend on the environment in which he grows up and the way he lives through life’s experiences. A little bit of pep talk, some feel good factor and a tiny dose of introspection never hurts, right? Yesterday I was surprised to realize how much aid they can be in breaking the ice with strangers. We could hold the conversation about the sun signs for almost two hours where I branded myself as an expert realizing that others were as clueless as I am. 🙂

Matching the traits of the Sun signs with our own, taking the opinions of others, musing through the compatibilities really makes us create that connect or belongingness. As long as we don’t hold fast and take to heart what those sun signs spell and reserve them for a great and light coffee time conversations, I guess we can assure ourselves of some cheer and fun!

All Motion Is Not Action..

Something that I heard from a Colleague today. Made perfect sense!

Yes, indeed smart work counts.

Devil’s Most Used Instrument…

This little story is most profound as it sinks in the thought. I couldn’t help sharing it!

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It was advertised that the devil was going to put his tools up for sale. On the date of the sale, the tools were placed for public inspection; each tool being marked with its sale price. They were a treacherous lot of implements… Hatred, Envy, Jealousy, Deceit, Lying, Pride, and so on.

Laid apart from the rest was a harmless looking tool, that appeared to have been heavily used, and was priced very high.

“What is the name of this tool?” asked one of the purchasers, pointing to it.

“That is Discouragement,” replied the devil.

“Why have you priced it so high?”

“Because it is more useful to me than all the others. I can pry open and get inside people’s hearts with that when I cannot get near them with my other tools. Once I get inside, I can make them do what I choose. It is badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, since very few people know that it belongs to me.”

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There are some stories which require a moment to read but a life time to comprehend. And discouragement is like a slow poison. Who says language doesn’t matter? One word can lit someone’s face and one moment can change somebody’s life. We love, live, cry, smile, share and care through it. So be careful while using it. Hope you would remember this little story next time when you are tempted to indulge in destructive feedback.

Some Thought..

“Whatever we never seem to learn is that the world runs on a few dozen cliche’s. We spend our lives repeating ourselves..”

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Thats the SMS that I received over my mobile from a Pal who loves to capture the beauty of expression from the books he engages with. What struck me is the potency of the thought in that simple statement. How true!

Many a times we are challenged by the circumstances to be true to ourselves.. Though the lessons and knowledge are universal, and we are equipped to deal with the world with enough cliches since childhood, the choices that we make in those moments of life are intensely personal. Choosing right over convenience, love over hatred, sharing over selfishness and honesty over deceit.. These are the choices that make our journey of life intensely personal.. These are the moments that ascertain our purpose of life and define its direction. We indeed spend reaffirming ourselves though the choices we make..

Indeed, life rolls in patterns!

Of Thorn Birds, Pain And Sacrificies..

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” There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen , and God in his heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain………Or so says the legend…”

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The only one reason why I came across this paragraph in ‘Thorn Birds’ by Colleen MacCullough is due to the effective PR of a pal who can’t help himself from sharing anything beautiful with the world around him. I loved this legend for the beauty of expression more than anything. Yet, I go back to it often and wonder.. Why do people feel pain is gain? Though my views have grown more tolerant towards pain, this legend reminds me of an achingly painful and purposeless sacrifice of the Nightingale for making of the red rose in the Oscar Wilde stories.

When I reflect back in one of those lazy chair moods, I wonder why is that we have so much love to pain? Pain is intense, private, overwhelming and absorbing. And guess we enjoy the high of being heroes of our lives, fighting all those unpredictabilities, chaos and let downs of life all alone. And guess thats why we remember and relate to the Romeo-Juliet, Heer-Ranjha’s of the world more than many happily ever after stories (I can’t even quote a popular love story with a happy ending! Ahem!) . Yet, We love to rationalize the pain, agony, sacrifices and sufferings of life with strange reasons best known to the cosmic entities. And we idolize those sacrifices and sufferings too. Of all the mysteries of life, aren’t we being masochistic by celebrating pain?

Work Life Balance..

One of the most quoted phrases in HR lingo.. And what a powerful myth to dream about! Balance.. Hmm.. Isn’t work a part of life? And how easily we use this, as if we can apportion our time between work and life. Somehow I have always felt that the more I call something work or job, the less I am interested in doing it..

Whenever I think of this phrase in particular, some of the assignments that I did as a part of Indigenous Management course in IMDR flashes in my mind. I have interacted with a lot of people in indigenous industries and its impressive to observe how their work is entwined in their life. When we bunch of students went and saw their work locations, what caught out eye was the pride that radiated in their faces when they were displaying their wares. What struck me was how much love and purpose they could sense in their life and how closely connected are their personal and work lives. Their career instills a sense of purpose into their personal life.

How much ever I wish to compartmentalize my life, its not always possible. Whatever tensions I face in my professional environment rubs off in my personal space. I never seem to attain that magic balance. Life for me is intense and I plan to explore it to the fullest. Work is fun and focus. Either I love the work I do or do the work I love. Period! And where there is love, fun and a sense of enjoyment, there seems a lack of caution, control and balance.. Don’t you think so?

Skeletons in The Cupboard..

This is one of those persistent echoes from one of those intellectually stimulating conversations that I relished and indulged in grandeur. How do we deal with broken dreams, unrequited love, and breach of trust? How do we handle with that muted voice of the Maverick that lies with in us? We all have our own little skeletons in our cupboards from past. Everyone emerges different from similar experiences depending on how they chose to deal with them.

One of friends’ shared with me his perspective one day. Since I know he wouldn’t mind, am quoting him verbatim.. “Heard “Ekla chalo re?” All of us are individuals, responsible for the fruits and pitfalls of our individual actions. Ever since I was a young, I hardly remember a time when I didn’t suffer from crush pangs. Grew up like that, got ditched a couple of times, but picked up the remnants and carried on. Anyway, you never know who is trustworthy and who is not. I trust everyone and no one. Even if I get ditched, I’m not affected, and if I am not, I’ll have won over someone. Life doesn’t play safe. You’d either be endangered or as safe as in Fort Knox.“

Some choose to live in profound confusion and conflict quagmire, finding it hard to let go of past and some are able to pick up the pieces and move on savoring life moment by moment. Whatever that we choose to do and how would we deal with the skeletons in the cupboard in the end is our personal choice. It’s about being comfortable with our thoughts, value systems and ourselves. What’s life if it’s not spiced with joy, mirth, sorrows, complexities, love, fun and friends? We all have our own wars to fight, storms to rage, dreams to conquer and dragons to slay. Sometimes we may end up with terrible wounds, raw pain, and shattered dreams. I heard someone saying Pain is Gain. How true! Life is a learning process for sure. Hold on to that inner spirit and enjoy the ride.

Streamlining Life..

That’s the phrase that’s apt so far for my stay in Bangalore. Even as I am typing the title, it sounded awkward… Yet, this title is resonating in my mind since morning and I have to let it out! 🙂 Is that what’s happening with me? There are a lot of changes that happened in my life in the recent times.. So much has changed, yet as always, so little out of it has actually mattered.

I have had hectic travel, a tiring house hunt session, suffered a lot with pangs of relocation and loneliness, cursed fate, bid goodbyes to some close friends, fought with loved ones, experienced breach of trust in a big way and I couldn’t shield myself and my family from wasting emotions for some people who weren’t worth a dime.

On the positive note, I thought a lot on the utility of spine, marriage, trust, values, and all sorts of cosmic questions :-), did a lot of mental training and my part of lending an ear for a couple of friends, met a couple of online pals for the first time, shed laziness and became a regular to gym, enjoyed a couple of angel dreams and poems, rediscovered the solitary solitude of long walks (now am walking a minimum of 5 km every day, and no am not counting treadmill! :-)) and yes the best part now is home food and the aloo parathas, as they sound blissful after eight years of binging out! (Cooked by our cook of course, as my culinary skills are not that appetizing).

They say that life is the toughest teacher for it takes the test first and offers lessons later. Reflecting back, the biggest lesson in this past one month is that no one ever does anything uncharacteristic of what they are. Either they inherit those values or they don’t. It is sheer foolishness to offer trust and do an emotional commitment on spineless souls hoping they would change some day.

Knight In Shining Armor..

Most of us want to get in touch with our emotional roots at some point of time, hope for that idealistic unconditional acceptance and love, would love to discover beauty, passion, love and joy over the expanse of life or are in search of the fairy tale romance and must have inevitably encountered one of those hard hitting setbacks. There must be times when we wished to loose the ability to feel, and prayed to turn to a stone that can’t hope, believe, cherish and love. Yet, we endure and sustain all those beautiful and sensitive feelings even while bleeding on the edge of practicality.

Can you guess why? There lives a dreamer in everyone, concealed in a flimsy cloak of sheer rational pragmatism. He lives on, standing tall during the test of times, saving himself from those calls of maturity which rely on martyrdom, working around his way when we are busy donning our own concocted masks to brace reality. I call him my knight in shining armor as he connects me to those fairy tale dreams and keeps my angels alive. Acknowledge his existence and he will add that much needed twinkle to life with hope and love.

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Weekend Musings..

The word for the weekend is Nostalgic! It is filled with recollecting memoirs and reliving memories from old letters, mails, chats and catching up on long pending reflections. I have had a pensive Saturday and a homely Sunday. This is my first weekend at Bangalore where I had time entirely for myself and guess this is much needed to flush some pensive musings. At times it is tough to enjoy the company that I keep when am alone. My mood closely rhymed with this expression.. ‘Looking back on the tears would always make us laugh, but little did I know that the moments we laughed together will make us cry one day!’

Being Nostalgic Over A Small Town..

Rajahmundry is often called as the cultural capital of Andhra Pradesh.. Well, that’s what my papa loves to boast! It’s located on the banks of the river Godavari, which has a lot of religious and cultural significance as the River Godavari splits into 7 streams which were named after the seven Saptarshyas of the Hindu mythology. I always love the sight of Rajamundry, those riverbanks, temples when the train is gushing over the huge arched bridge thats built over Godavari. Since childhood, Mamma used to hand me a coin to throw in the river and pray for the river goddess whenever the train is taking us over it. A small confession is that I still do it. 🙂

Oh, How did I forget to mention? The Asia’s largest rail-cum-road bridge on the river Godavari linking Kovvur and Rajamundry is considered a real miracle. Me and my dad used to hop on a bike for a long drive on that bridge in my school days. Guess that bridge is almost 4 kilometers long and a long ride along its side sure breathes fresh life into any mood with picturesque surroundings..

There are a number of temples here and the Kotilingala temple, Uma Ramalingeswara temple on the banks of the Godavari are some of the most important temples. The Godavari Pushkaram, celebrated once in twelve years, attracts a huge number of pilgrims from all over the country. It’s the period where every Hindu is urged to take the ceremonious bath in the river Godavari. It’s a big event for which preparations go on for two years during which our quaint little town dresses up for the travelers and visitors in the most grandiose fashion. For the last Pushkaram, they have renovated the entire godavari and gautami ghat and have constructed a huge shiva linga near the Godavari railway station which marks the entrance of town.. I still get that childish glee of coming home whenever I see that well lit huge temple.

Rajahmundry is famous for Cloth market/Textile and it is said that the cloth business of Rajahmundry stands second, after Mumbai in India. The drought in Vizag made the weavers shift to Jampet in Rajahmundry and lead to the establishment of the Textile industry. Rajahmundry has the Mahatma Gandhi Cloth Complex which is one of the biggest shopping complex in AP. It is the base for most of the big cloth merchants in India like Bommana Brothers, Chandana Brothers, Sumangali, Puja Silks, Tummidi Brothers etc. Having sampled various showrooms in various cities, I would say that whatever you get in entire A.P. (and even more varitety at times) is available in Rajamundry, albeit at reasonable prices.

Be it that special Palakova from Kumari Talkies, Rose Milk from Kotagummam, Tapeswaram Kaja, Artos Cool Drinks or Putarekulu (Paper Sweet), our Rajamundry has its share of unique mouth watering delicacies. When a topic of sweets come, I cant resist quoting Anand Sweets. I can blindly vouch for any item under their name, be it their dry fruit chikki, badam burfi, kaja, kachori or namkeens!

Rajahmundry has the base offices for the Krishna-Godavari Project of The Oil and Natural Gas Corporation at Rajahmundry. This brought in various cultures of people and the establishment of the ONGC colonies. Dad used to take us to the ONGC colony park and the township whenever it fell on the way of our drive. Also Rajahmundry houses industries like The Southeren Drugs and Pharmaceuiticals Limited, Smithkline Beecham Consumer Healthcare limited, GVK Industries/The Jegurupadu Power Project at the outskirts. Its also home for a lot of paper mills like The Andhra Pradesh Paper Mills, The Coastal Paper Mills (P) limited, The Kadiyam Paper Mills. Anyone can locate loads of nurseries and flower gardens near Kadiyam, which have almost any variety of samplings that you would love to have in your little garden.

I cant write about Rajahmundry without giving due credit for to these two people, Sir Arthur Cotton for making the city arable and Sri Kandukuri Veeresalingam Pantulu for his contribution for the city. These people’s memories are etched strongly in the minds of the people.

Sir Arthur Cotton dammed the great Godavari River below Rajamundry at a point where the river is over three miles wide, and although he utilised two islands he still had to construct two miles of masonry to build his own dam. This took him five years to complete, but was an immense gain to a teeming population. The 2 1/4 – mile long Dowleswaram Barrage across the Godavari turned a flood-and-drought prone area into million acres of flourishing paddy and sugarcane. He made Rajamundry a rice bowl for A.P and people still remember and honour his contributions. A Sir Arthur Cotton Museum is set up at the dam site and a Sir Arthur Cotton Memorial Agricultural Service Centre is set up at Bobbarlanka, 20 km from Rajahmundry and near Dowleswaram to commemorate the contributions of Sir Arthur Cotton. Thank you Sir!

Sri Kandukuri Veeresalingam Pantulu is known as “The father of reformations” in A.P. He is a champion of widow remarriages, girl education and social reforms. There are many firsts to his credit. He started a monthly magazine “Vivekavardhini”, a school for girls at Dowlaiswaram in 1874. He established a weekly “Satyavadini” which was published both in English and Telugu. He established “Hitakarini Samaj” in 1906. He was the first novelist in Telugu ;”Rajasekhara Charitra” was the first novel. He bought a revolution in Telugu Literature by simplifying Telugu without using the flowery embellishments that graced the language through Sanskrit influence. He is a great man who has dedicated his pen, intellect, money, work and worth for social service.

Many schools and colleges were started by the Hitakarini Samaj. Well, the expansion of ‘SKVT High School’, the school that I studied in stands for ‘Sri Kandukuri Veeresalingam Theistic English Medium High Schoool’. If you stop wondering about whats me with long names, I had a great time at that school with some fabulous schoolmates and teachers! I can’t think of any college that wasn’t supported by his ideals or deeds in some way. Well, if you ask me the current scenario, the educational climate is slowly getting commercialized now, with the advent of Srichaitanya, Nalanda, Narayana, Bhasyam schools and colleges.

Being at the banks of the Godavari River, which has a lot of religious significance and the Sir Cotton Bridge, which gave a boost to the agriculture made Rajahmundry the way it is. Since history, a lot of Brahmins settled in Rajahmundry making it the centre for Arts and Culture. Even today there are separate areas designated for Brahmins in the City, though the City is an amalgamation of various sects, castes and beliefs. The City hence is a cradle for education, textiles and agriculture. The attitude of people is slow paced and life rolls on simply. I love the simplicity and the down to earth nature of the people here. I feel home!

All this and more is what makes my little town special to me. Guess all this is summed up in this lovely song from Andhra Kesari. I get a reverent feeling whenever I hear it..

“Vedam la ghoshinche godavari
Amaradhamam la sobhille rajamahendri
Satabdala charita gala sundara nagaram
Gataveibhava deeptulato kammani kaavyam

Raja raja narendrudu kakatiyulu
Tejamunna meti doralu reddi rajulu
Gajapatulu narapatulu elina ooru
Akadhalanni ninadinche Gauthami Horu

Adi kavita Nannaya rasenicchata
Srinadha kavi nivasam pedda mucchata
Kavisarvabhoumalakidi alavalamu
Nava kavitalu vikasinche nandanavanamu

Dittamaina silpala devalalu
Kattukadhala chitrangi kanakamedalu
Kottukoni poye konni kotilingalu
Viresalingamokadu migilenu chalu”

Didn’t realize that this would end up as such a huge post when I am not even half done! Let me wrap up here as my love this little place can make me fill this space with ease.

Musings On Collective Wisdom!!!

I have always had this feeling that collective wisdom is an amazing thing. Somehow, the popularity of Wikipedia impresses me.. Guess people Think of all those people who are adding tiny bits of little things that they know so that someone somewhere is benefited! Isn’t that an amazingly selfless thing to do? It reminds me of the squirrels’ role in building that bridge in Ramayan! It reconfirms my belief in the natural goodness of the people..

We have knowledge in bounty loads.. We have really gathered a lot of information through all these years. I believe that all that we ever wanted to know or learn about must be around somewhere in this world, as someone’s knowledge, memory or experience. It’s just a matter of finding it which makes a world of difference to someone’s quest. Guess that’s why the googles of the world are so popular. Yeah, I would give them all the credit on the earth for making knowledge more accessible..

Working for the past two years, I really appreciate what a valuable enterprise search engine and a proper knowledge management system can do to a mammoth organization. Probably it would almost reduce 5o % of work as it would reduce the chances of recreating, reinventing and redefining the existing process or work. Think of how much time that would save? Am already dreaming!

Yet, the key component out here is not some software but the people who will come and share their core knowledge in open. Well, am not saying the word ‘give’ as the key here is ‘to share’. To share without restriction, in openness and perhaps without taking credit! How many are willing to do that in corporate world where one is defined by the privileged information one holds? That’s a Big Question! It always boils down to the work environment and the organizational culture. An organization can have a great blogging platform, and still end up with zero contributors. When the Internet is overwhelmed by the Web2.0, 3.0 ..n.0 , there are only muted whispers in the enterprise world. This surely demand some soul searching though!

Leisure..

Today I am going through my old collections and I came across this poem on Leisure by William Henry Davies. I especially loved the expressions like “No time to see, in broad daylight, Streams full of stars like skies at night.” How true! I wonder if I can catch streams on broad daylight anymore, working like a royal princess in this A.C. sweatshop in this great metro! Well, let me not give voice to the cribber in me! Being in TCS, I have a lot of flexibility and a good quality of life. Yet, I miss those days of childhood, where I used to walk or cycle along the side of a stream to reach to my school catching those sparkling colors, reflections and my dreams radiating on the water… This poem is sure nostalgic!

It goes like this..

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Revisiting Childhood!

My entire weekend can be termed under one phrase: “Sheer Bliss”! I spent the best part of my weekend at Kuppa Metta Kandriga, which is located at the Andhra Pradesh and Tamilnadu border, almost 14 kilometers away from a small village called Nagari. This trip is a impromptu one, and I went in as a willing companion to my mother who wanted to visit her childhood friends and relatives located over there.

We caught a bus (#201) at CMBT in Chennai to go to Nagari which is some 2 hours journey and then boarded an auto arranged by my uncle to go to his Farm House. Thankfully, there is a decent cement road laid to connect those remote areas.. My childhood impressions prepared me for horse carts and I am delighted to trade it for an Auto rickshaw. I still remember those insensitive days when the cart driver used pepper powder on the eyes of the horse to make it carry heavy load in 1990s. 😦 Already, there is nostalgia setting in my mind and I longed for an escape into the simplistic life of the villages!

Well, how to you feel if you land up in an isolated place where you see greenery everywhere and there isn’t a single man made concrete building around for miles? I got more than I bargained for. I got joy, contentment, elation, solitude and peace! This farmhouse is set in sugarcane plantations and is filled with sunlight, fresh air and space. Their house is surrounded by lavish opulence of dangling beauties like jasmines, cosmos, frangipanis, periwinkles and firecrackers (kanakambaram) basking in glorious sunshine only to be competed by those Mango, Coconut, Guava and Pomegranate trees offering ripe temptations.. I had innocent elation at discovering the livestock. There were cattle, and pet dogs. I had a dewy-eyed pleasure in feeding cattle, taking calves for walk, and playing with dogs.

The beauty of the place is enhanced by the sounds of silence: rustling of the trees, buzzing of the leaves, soft cooing of the birds and the faint tinging of the bells. I wandered like a spoilt child, discovering delight everywhere, uncared for the hot sun.. I just loved those ornate cement floors, archaic concrete bath tubs, that gushing pump set by the old well, and that black and white television at their home.. I loved the night even more. Ensconced in natural air conditioning, admiring the star-lit skies and the shimmering glow worms, all I could think of is ‘Contentment’. It kind of transported me back into childhood and I was fourteen again!

Vagabond in The Garden Of Destiny..

Thats how I look at myself. Somehow, I refuse to believe that our life is moulded in a predictable fashion to achieve a particular end. Life is what we make it to be. Destiny is not a stationary target. It changes along with time, along with every decision or choice that I make. We are the best judge of our miseries, actions or destinies.

Whenever we take a step, we see different paths laid out in front of us.. The path that we choose or the choices that we made creates the destiny for us. The whole idea of being destined to do something sounds quite romantic, isn’t it? It gives such a comfortable feeling to all the rationalizations that we do, like a chicken soup for soul! Probably when we walk the path and look back at the end of this life, we will only see the one we took and when we look ahead its just a dark world thats enveloping us in its madness.. Then, are we trying to rationalize our destiny as well?

well, for me.. I am comfortable in living in the moment, savoring the experience and loosing myself in my world!

Life is Lost in Race..

Guess its worth pondering on what are we loosing on in this rat race.. Misguided competition, materialistic pursuits, changing relationships, commonplace goals and diminishing values and rise of timeserver mentality.. All take lion’s share in the rise of noise in our lifestyles..

I often go back to those unadulterated childhood memories in a village where there is a lot of human touch in interactions. A great deal of value is placed in human concern, affection, and sharing, though everyone maintained their boundaries.. Well, here we are, in a border less world, yet we are lonely as ever. Driven by individualism, powered by the new age values of convenience and comfort, we are loosing out on the social interactions. Email, Call, Fax..Inundated by the communication channels, the interaction has become faceless, lacking warmth and touch.

Do we want better cell phones or improved human relations? Do we want increased life span or enhanced quality of life? Bigger homes or space in life? Irony of our times is that we have all the modern comforts at our service and lesser time to enjoy them. We stopped to pause, reflect and appreciate little joys of life and the meaning behind the obvious. As we get swamped and drowned by the new age ideals, the only solace lies in being aware of our actions.

Check these verses which are being circulated as forward.. Worth Contemplating..

THE PARADOX OF OUR TIMES

– Attributed to the Dalai Lama and to George Carlin

Is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints
We spend more, but we have less
We have bigger houses, but smaller families
More conveniences, but less time
We have more degrees, but less sense
More knowledge, but less judgment
More experts, but more problems
More medicines, but less wellness

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often
We have learnt how to make a living, but not a life
We have added years to life, but not life to years
We’ve been all the way to the moon and back
But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour
We have conquered outer space, but not inner space
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted our soul
We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice
We’ve higher incomes, but lower morals
We’ve become long on quantity but short on quality

These are the times of tall men, and short character
Steep profits, and shallow relationships
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare
More leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorces
Of fancier houses, but broken homes
It is a time when there is much in the show window
And nothing in the stockroom

A time when technology can bring this letter to you
And a time when you can choose
Either to make a difference…. or just hit, delete.

Somewhere They Can’t Find Me!

Can one ever find a place where one’s inner fears, pain and troubles can’t find them? Wish I don’t have to face them with all my armor donned on. Wish I can duck my head like an Ostrich in the sand at the sight of them and pretend am happy! Yet, in the end, as always, a shirker’s attitude never helps! Probably my shelter is good verse. I derive strength from good books, poems and soothing music in those insane moments where I feel I am being pushed to the limit.. Take time out, switch off from world, enjoy some solitude and face the world like a glorious sunshine! Nothing lasts forever, not even troubles!

“So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.”
-Wish You Were Here By Gilmour Waters, Pink Floyd

If Tomorrow Never Comes…

I thought I would share my favorite song over here. I have loads of such songs, and this one steals the show for today!

This lyrics fascinate me as I sing them aloud in my heart.. They make me reflect on my priorities in life.. Though Ronan Keating refers to his sweetheart in this song, I would would say my love encompasses all those cherished people in life. Love forms the basis for all the relationships and I would count my blessings if those most precious people in my life accept me for what I am and know that I care for them.

Makes me wonder if I have been transparent in my feelings towards my loved ones, the most treasured people in my life : one who taught me that I could love someone so much: my sweet little Sister, my tower of strength: Mom, an eternal idealist: Dad, A life lived in values: my grand parents, and friends. Really, if tomorrow never comes, will they understand how much I loved or cared for them? Will they ever know how much of my life revolved around them, for their acceptance, love, care, concern and affection?

People ask me what’s important for me? Is it being a top notch, high flying executive someday or being there for my loved ones always? Throughout my life I am trying my best to strike that balance. Career is part of my life, my identity and my independence where as love is the basis on which my life runs. Guess the pride that my little sister has when she boasts that my sister will always pick my call no matter where she is, is of tantamount importance for me than some crucial corporate meeting any day. Coz, I believe in my capabilities of hunting a good job, but I am equally confident that I can never in my life time find a sweet, loving person like my sister. After all, family is family. Sounds like a cliche, yet I swear by it. The bond that ties us is not one of blood, but of respect and love. I respect, love, care, adore, dote them, and if God permits, I would love them more after my death as well!

I know this post has rather became a bit heavy.. Yet, I know that we hurt those whom we love most. In those moments of frustration and anger (which might have been caused by some dumb bloke in office who doesn’t matter in our life any way) we use them as our sounding boards, or misuse them to vent out our feelings. Next time, before you do such thing, pause, reflect and the judge the impact of your action. Tall Order, right? I know. I am still trying..

Thanks for being with me till now.. Enjoy the lyrics!

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Lyrics of “If Tomorrow Never Comes” By Ronan Keating

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She’s lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

‘Cause I’ve lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there’s no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you’re thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Life Moves On An Assembly Line..

I am wondering about life in one of those contemplative moods, how our life passes through the predictable phases. Almost as if we go through an assembly line. From one pipe to another, from one phase to another considering each stage to be the most challenging one.. This is what I call Pipe Theory! 😉

Life goes on in stages, the teenage, getting a job, getting married, living like DINK (Double Income , No Kids), Children, Midlife Crisis, Old Age and so on!

When I look back into my past, guess my entire educational career fits into one pipe! each year is a fresh challenge.. To Win, to reach the top only to discover a new high! Now that the educational career is supposedly over, a new fight in the corporate world begins! If life retains a moment of semblance and if you find yourself settling down to the comfortable routine, thats when new priorities emerge. Find a guy, get married, build a home and warm your bones by the TV.. Well, thats the life on a high way line.. Coz, its the life that most of us understand as a comfortable and acceptable normal social pattern!

I’m sure everyone must have thought of diversions in those ‘Oh What the Heck!’ moments.. Yet we long for predictable comfort and social acceptance. Don’t we? We all have hope in hearts and a zeal to explore life. Although being the most irrational creatures on earth, we still plan, rationalize, reason it out and move on trying to capture our slice of life, by creating our own set of stories and adventures! Isn’t that chivalrous?!