On Possessiveness and Love…

7 12 2007

There is once a popular song in Hindi that sings that ‘Life Is A Song Of Love’.. Always made me pause and reflect. In our attempts to discover and reinvent life through the journey of love, guess many have been tugged by this emotion of possessiveness sometime. I hear many times about this rolling out as a candid confession in conversations. Guess everyone might have heard of this perspective, but when I came across it in my mail box, I couldn’t resist posting it. Coz, there are certain lessons and learnings in life, that demand conscious effort from our side to put them to practice.


I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: “You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love.”

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand gently open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love. They try to posses, own, demand, and expect… and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you. For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.


Sounds such a simple perspective, but how difficult to internalize! I have seen relationships collapse due to a possessiveness overdrive and power struggle. Well, we can never reason out our actions in relationships, but awareness always helps in defining our perspective. Love like joy and cheer is meant to be shared and isn’t limited like a piece of cake. Still, we feel as if we own the person and haggle for our share, how strange!



52 responses

3 12 2007

You are right, i just cant fault with what you have said, its just that we should stop deluding ourselves that we are in love, infact we are deep into selfishness….which when both parties are selfish enough to want the same result,its alright…i guess…lol

6 12 2007

I agree.. And its not only love but in any relationship… My mom had made me do something similar like in the story.. She had asked me to hold sand in my hand and asked me to tighten my fist.. And she said the same thing..That we should never try to hold a person.. The more we try to… the more he/she will just slip out of our hand… Its an old saying but true.. And very difficult to implement..

6 12 2007

@ Sai
I am sure your view would change with time.. I couldn’t resist playing the soothsayer.. :-)
@ Salz
Agreed dear.. Simple things of life… Yet, so difficult to put to practice..

25 01 2008

If you have that much power in your love so that you can freeze the water or melt and freeze the sand then you can hold it tightly.

But the problem is after this trasformation do you really like them?

25 01 2008

Very beautifully put.. Can’t agree more for I believe that the real test of love lies in unconditional acceptance.

5 06 2008

I particularly liked this post…simple but so difficult to comprehend and follow for most of us!

25 07 2008

i really appreciate the information……..you are right there should be a limit to control our lovers. this tips really gonna be useful for me as a possessive guy.

30 07 2008

@ Joyeeta

@ horam
Glad to see you appreciate it. I just wanted to underline the difference between being protective and being possessive.

26 08 2008


Every single word written is true…. I’m a very possessive person. But my problem is, even though i realize all these facts, i’m not able to change my mind… :( :(

27 08 2008

@ Archana
Agreed.. Knowing and Practicing are two different things indeed. Am not trying to be preachy, but failing is an integral part of human nature. :)

5 11 2010

u r a psycho!… i find no other words for u.. becs one day… u will ruin ur partner’s life for sure,,, so BEST OF LUCK,,, and GET A LIFE..

4 12 2008
vallabh Bhingarde

yes ur right….thats why love is not for every person….

27 03 2009

Hi Archana

You are 100% true , also possessviness comes when we have too much of love with our partner . we cant decrease are change it na…

30 03 2009

very true…. i am a very very possessive person and no matter how much i try, can’t get over it :(
loved the analogy and i must say it is pretty similar to sand like water in our hand…you keep it open, it flies away with the wind (u loose your love) and you try holding too hard, it squeezes out and flows through the spaces… So it is better to hold it gently..not too open that someone will take him/her away, not to tight that we suffocate him/her…
“Love by nature is free” i loved those words of urs

16 04 2009

hi everyone,
u all are true .Possession will break a good relationship,but one should no that possiveness is the result of great and spontaneous love for tha person and he/she should understand that and instead of leaving him/her alone and let them drive mad ,you can approach them gently and talk openly about the problem and make them secure from showing care and affection and make them believe “i will not leave you…..alone.”

My point is dont try to take control of your life and it will lead you to misery.

5 11 2010


17 02 2011
maria selman

so true & deep

1 11 2009

i second whatever u wrote about being possessive .. but possessiveness comes with those who you truly are in love with .. its the part n parcel of being in love .. in a relationship .. i agree it has got a darker side but then every other thing has .. isnt it ?

everything can be sorted out if the channels of communication are kept open .. one should always be communicating to his/her partner about his/her feelings …

some people do tend to be a bit veryy possessive but if the understanding is good .. it can be easily done with …

the bottom line is .. you love someone you got to be possessive abt him/her .. you really cant help .. just a lil understanding n life cudnt be more beautiful !!!

nice post ! :)

keep up the good job !

5 11 2010

u r confused

25 12 2009

Hi all,

Nice post, ofcourse we all know this darker side of possessiveness and still not able to get out of it. That much it rules our mind.

Like everyone here, Am also suffering from possessiveness, but my girl is much worried about my possessiveness, Now I got the fear that she may go away from me leaving me alone, because of my possessiveness. But still I cant leave my possessiveness. Only one thing I can do as of now is to stop communicating my feelings on my possessiveness to her, so that atleast she can be happy.

She thinks my possessiveness as am using that as a tool to dominate her, but I dono how to brief her that its only because of my true love and nothing else.

Nowadays, I cant even express my feelings to her, she is the only source of happiness to me, but now I don even have that source to share my feelings. This is why Am sharing my feelings to like minded peoples like you.


14 01 2010

i accept entirely what u said. i have a confidence level of more than 100% that i wont loose my love, but still i have possessiveness on her. it’s the most sweet pain in love. i hope every one ll experience this pain. but this should not exceed the limit. unless u exceed u may not lose anything in love.

5 11 2010

u r suffering from a psychotic disorder… u shud consult a psychiatrist.. or u will one day move into some depression… becs u cant share ur feelings at de moment and secondly, u cant stop ur possessiveness

13 01 2012

same problem to me also

5 06 2010

very true..even am a very possessive person..and its hard not to be..it hurts a lot sometimes and u try hard not to be so..
however the article soothens me..thank u..:)

6 07 2010

Love vs Possessiveness…Love by nature is free…so love wins on possesiveness all the time, but I have both for my girl…Love and Possessiveness…will I win?

17 07 2010

Due to my possesiveness on my loved one……it has cost me a break up ,bcoz she thought i am suspecting her ,y do theyy do like this,tey do not undstd true relations…….

13 08 2010

m also very possessive.but i love my beloved very much n i dont want neone come near to her and i want her to be with me every single single,if she is not with me n rude because of my possessiveness my heart gets lots of pain..i know i must not be possessive but i could not controlled..what u all hav wrote about possessiveness are all true but some one tell how to kill the possessive.

5 11 2010

possessiveness is something which shud never allow to enter ur mind,,, and if it has somehow entered into ur head den dont let it haunt u… else face de consequences and u will soon see a breakup…

17 08 2010

ya i knw dat our relationship may get badly due to such attitude….but im not able to control my possessiveness….even for my best frnd….my dis attitude even hurts me a lot bt im helpless….

6 09 2010

yes,,,, i accept u,it z 100% true….but it z totally pain toooo….even im very possessive abt my love…but he costs me dat im dominating him n suspecting…

15 09 2010

I am now in a situation where I can feel my heart is crumpled like a paper. I am very possessive and all that was written above is so true. But the fact is, though I tried so hard to understand the situation, I still feel hurt and angry. Angry to myself for being like this, being possessive. I wish it would be that easy to just let go but there’s just something I don’t know that is keeping me from doing so. Should I really be mad at myself for being like this? Why giving too much love could be this painful.

22 09 2010

yes, i do agree that we should not be possesive. But what should we do when our friend (whom we care most) is going wrong and she is avoiding us badly because she is with wrong friends???????

29 09 2010

very very very true….

13 12 2010

I’m also a very possessive girl who looses everything b’coz of this. finally i’ve got a frnd now but i’m scared if i’ll loose him too…………. I’m trying my best not to show it 4 his happiness is more important to me than that of mine:(

23 02 2011

I just want to explain my love behind this possessiveness to my lover. can anyone answer please?

27 04 2011

Ya surely you can , you no neeed to explain your love, you just explain about you as much as you can .its vry easy.

22 06 2011

Hi help me out frnz.
i m in a releation past 5 months.v r havin problems due to my jealousy n possesivenes.problem arises due to her past.she meets him every day talks to him everyday.n wants me to understand thr fridndship.says tht they are just friends now.when she z with him she doesnt talks to me.when she z with me she calls me by her name many times.used to say me tht no one cant luv her more than him.it feels like hell.i know notin bad z goin on between them but meetin n talkin daily can she forget her past.it comes daily when u talk?????????

8 01 2012

If a guy and a girl are friends after break-up, then
Either They Still Love Each Other or They Never Loved Each Other…….

16 07 2011


Hmm, after reading what you posted here, i dont think you are possessive, for the kind of behaviour she is having, you feeling bad is quite natural. This is something which you should sit and discuss with her. Remember one thing freinds converting in to lovers is possible but lovers after breakup or after getting married to someone else due to pressure in family or anything, converting in to friends is BULLSHIT. This just cannot happen. Be very careful. No lovers can become freinds in future. If they say so they are just giving foolish name for thier relation. Be very carefull and think before you continue relation with her. I am sure they will discuss about the time they spent together whenevr they talk, as they said they are freinds now do you think they only find out thier know wher’s?? no chance. Please dont cheat yourself thinking that she is loving you. Think about the things which i told they will make sense. She should comeout of that relation completely to start loving you or esle this will not work out. Just take some time, think discuss with her and say her what you want.

Sorry if i said something wrong. I was just going thorugh this blog and remembered somethings which happened in my life and told you with my experiences..

19 07 2011

Annu u r totally rite…
me too have undergone tis situation:(:(
wat ever u hav mentioned above is the real fact b/w people like ths..
Ankur u better be careful..
dnt loos urself for any fake relation

7 08 2011

i came to know that possessiveness is enemy for love..
i too want to practice casuality with my dear..
but i cant actually..
i love her too much…..
she is mine..
my life is for her and i’m ready to sacrifice anything for her..
why i should not expect her to be..
i did’nt ask anything difficult from her..
i just want her as myself for our happy life..
if this was named as possessiveness .. ya then its possessiveness….
many times i had been adviced by my dear that dont be too possessive..
but my mind strikes that love got the name of possessiveness………………………….. give me a reply .. please…..

16 08 2011

I believe all that is said about possessiveness is very true. I had a very possessive lover. He used to insult me verbally abused me using all the bad words. He suspected me of cheating him and we had fights and when i tried to explain that i never misbehaved he said “to get lost” and that i am desperate and i cannot find a man thats why i am after him. Previously he accused me of looking for men and a “whore” and he also used to say that “he never loved me” many times and used to keep away from me for months without any communication. Do you call it Love ? How can a possessive lover keep away from his love? Please give me a good answer.

16 08 2011

How can he say he never loved me and trying to push me away. I have given up on this as it hurts me a lot and very disturbing. Please give me a good answer as i am really confused.

16 08 2011

i’m sorry for your trouble.
realy its difficult for you..
he may expect that you should not speak with other people and its not his fault that he will think that you are his own.. so that he may avoid others inbetween you both..
first try to know what he is expecting.. act wisely..
but using bad words is definitely wrong..
But know that surely he loves you..
because being without any contact for months is not possible..
know whats up in his mind and come to a solution….
be cool…..
person who really cares for you and with true love will have some possessiveness.. take care………….

16 08 2011

Thanks for your advice vasanth, this guy is trying mind games on me i think. Play hard to get….If i text him or call him he will always respond to me. I think he checks my updates in my hotmail profile daily. He gets very angry when i dont respond his calls.. Once when he called me i cut the line and switched off the phone for two days because he insulted me badly before. Then he got very upset and called me 70 times till i switch on the phone within 2 days and sent somany blank sms to check the time i switchon the phone. Then badly verbally abused me of having intimacy with a man which i was innocent.( because my phone was off) i get very confused with this guy as he always say that i cant find even an old chimp.( i am quite pretty). I dont know whats wrong with him, Is he really possessive or something else?

16 08 2011

Also he says his parents want him to marry another girl and he loves her not me. Previously he said he doesnt like that girl.

8 09 2011
sanjay khan

ya that’s true…but being a possessive means it happens when u love her too much,when u care for her much,when u want her to know that u loves her much.because of all this things without knowingly we will become possessive….

6 10 2011
sameer sahgal

i was in a relationship for the last 9 years.Both of us were very much possessive and caring for each other.Suddenly she went to IBM bangalore and things changed.one day she told me that now she dont feel the love any more.and she left me.I dont have any regrets because where there is love possessiveness automatically comes.Its human nature and no one can change it.I still love her no matter she loves me or not.I know im talking like a fool.But its tru.I cant forget anything and the memories were so beautiful that i cant forget her ever in my life.

19 12 2011
10 02 2012

If a person is confident of him or her self they will never be possessive because they know if they love they love for the sake of loving and not for possessing.Like Khalil Gibran had written “your children are not your own they come through you but they don’t belong to you” So you cannot possess any body ‘ cause it causes unhappiness all through.


24 02 2013

Let us appreciate every blessing that pours on us day in and day out.
In every instance, however, hours of hopelessness later, I will emerge
in the sunshine – ready to face another day. Using
guided imagery with meditation can help to sooth a flustered mind and soul.

1 09 2013

well, then how we can make our friend believe that we care them much, often over care becomes the cause

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